CATEGORY

By Letting Go of Control, We Get Control. Paradoxical But True.

Controlling - Mind Have you noticed how mind out of habit jumps to control people or situations that are best left alone, even if temporarily. The mind wants to control the weather, the traffic, the direct reports, spouse, kids… It even wants to control itself - nonsensical but true. And in the process it creates resistance, conflict, broken relationships and unhappiness. For Least Resistance – Ask, Where Do I Have Leverage? The real challenge is to discern when having control helps and when it gets in the way. When do we have control over circumstances and when they are (at least temporarily) beyond our control? This is elusive but really important. In a recent coaching session, a rising leader who had successfully implemented a number of important initiatives for his organization, seemed frustrated by the “slow” pace of transformational changes he wished for. He was contemplating leaving. It was not until he recognized that rather than pushing for the speed of change (that seemed outside of his control), where he really had leverage was in creating trust. The more trust he built, the more senior executives supported his initiatives and the more things moved his way. When Giving Up Control, Is Getting Control There are times that giving up control may just be the right thing. For instance if we over control our direct reports, we may become autocratic, micro-manger and develop a command style of leadership that can stifle creativity and motivation. To be a controlling parent or spouse leads to poor relationships. While one may need to exert some control on their children for their own protection and safety, however, as they grow up one would like to transfer that responsibility back to them, if not, we could come to be seen as over bearing and too protective. We may want to control our food intake to avoid over-eating. We may want to control our workload to prevent burnout and while driving we want to control our speed to avoid speeding tickets. Similarly, at nighttime when retiring to bed, we may choose to control the light, the temperature … to prepare an environment conducive for rest. To enter sleep though we need to loosen up and let go - no amount of controlling or pushing would help. They would actually produce the opposite effect. It is much like learning to float on the surface of the water and learn to swim. By letting go of control and struggling, we naturally rise to the surface. In martial arts it is often taught to let go of any control (mentally and physically) and be totally in a state of spontaneity and oneness with the opponent, as any attempt to control will create tension, physical stiffness and will slow one up. By letting go of control – we gain control. The World of Emotions – What We Resist, Persists It is the same with emotions. By letting go of the urge to control or resist and instead being open and curious towards the felt sensation of the emotional phenomenon in the body from moment-to-moment, we allow the emotions to pass through us. Any attempt to control an emotion makes it stick. What we resist, persists. By letting go of control – we get control. From your point of view: 1. What emotion/s do you think precede the urge to control? 2. In what situations letting go of control is gaining control?

Controlling – Mind
Have you noticed how mind out of habit jumps to control people or situations that are best left alone, even if temporarily. The mind wants to control the weather, the traffic, the direct reports, spouse, kids… It even wants to control itself – nonsensical but true. And in the process it creates resistance, conflict, broken relationships and unhappiness.
For Least Resistance – Ask, Where Do I Have Leverage?
The real challenge is to discern when having control helps and when it gets in the way. When do we have control over circumstances and when they are (at least temporarily) beyond our control? This is elusive but really important. In a recent coaching session, a rising leader who had successfully implemented a number of important initiatives for his organization, seemed frustrated by the “slow” pace of transformational changes he wished for. He was contemplating leaving. It was not until he recognized that rather than pushing for the speed of change (that seemed outside of his control), where he really had leverage was in creating trust. The more trust he built, the more senior executives supported his initiatives and the more things moved his way.
When Giving Up Control, Is Getting Control
There are times that giving up control may just be the right thing. For instance if we over control our direct reports, we may become autocratic, micro-manger and develop a command style of leadership that can stifle creativity and motivation.
To be a controlling parent or spouse leads to poor relationships. While one may need to exert some control on their children for their own protection and safety, however, as they grow up one would like to transfer that responsibility back to them, if not, we could come to be seen as over bearing and too protective.
We may want to control our food intake to avoid over-eating. We may want to control our workload to prevent burnout and while driving we want to control our speed to avoid speeding tickets.
Similarly, at nighttime when retiring to bed, we may choose to control the light, the temperature … to prepare an environment conducive for rest. To enter sleep though we need to loosen up and let go – no amount of controlling or pushing would help. They would actually produce the opposite effect. It is much like learning to float on the surface of the water and learn to swim. By letting go of control and struggling, we naturally rise to the surface. In martial arts it is often taught to let go of any control (mentally and physically) and be totally in a state of spontaneity and oneness with the opponent, as any attempt to control will create tension, physical stiffness and will slow one up. By letting go of control – we gain control.
The World of Emotions – What We Resist, Persists
It is the same with emotions. By letting go of the urge to control or resist and instead being open and curious towards the felt sensation of the emotional phenomenon in the body from moment-to-moment, we allow the emotions to pass through us. Any attempt to control an emotion makes it stick. What we resist, persists. By letting go of control – we get control. From your point of view:
1. What emotion/s do you think precede the urge to control?
2. In what situations letting go of control is gaining control?

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Oct, 11, 2014

0

Distracted-Mind. Out of Distractedness Limiting Habits Are Born

Out of Distractedness Limiting Habits Are Born. Like a Monkey that jumps from one tree branch to the next, the mind chases one thought after another. Day-dreaming, fantasizing, robot-like and on auto-pilot, we are then only half present – a shell of a body here but the mind and heart (passion) are absent - already checked out. Pre-occupied, distracted and floating in a reverie of associative thoughts and images we are then disconnected with the world and people. We don't hear half of what is said in meetings, don't relate well with colleagues or loved ones and don't appreciate our many blessings - always on the look out for something else. And when that something else does arrive - well, we are not present to enjoy it. Since random thoughts and emotions are inseparable, we are then open and vulnerable to a whole range of sensations that accompany them – hope and hopelessness, momentary joy followed by sadness, irritability, anger and other strong emotions can take us over … like a see/saw emotionally up and down we go and experience contraction in the abs, lower back, chest, jaws, shoulders or butterflies in the stomach – from which we want to escape. To do away with the discomfort of contraction to the amusement of distraction we sway. We give into our impulses and since they are only symptom relief, the source of discontent is untouched. Frustrated, we seek newer and bigger thrills and along the way establish new self-limiting habits and patterns that further drain our inner/outer resources.

Out of Distractedness Limiting Habits Are Born. Like a Monkey that jumps from one tree branch to the next, the mind chases one thought after another. Day-dreaming, fantasizing, robot-like and on auto-pilot, we are then only half present – a shell of a body here but the mind and heart (passion) are absent – already checked out. Pre-occupied, distracted and floating in a reverie of associative thoughts and images we are then disconnected with the world and people. We don’t hear half of what is said in meetings, don’t relate well with colleagues or loved ones and don’t appreciate our many blessings – always on the look out for something else. And when that something else does arrive – well, we are not present to enjoy it.
Since random thoughts and emotions are inseparable, we are then open and vulnerable to a whole range of sensations that accompany them – hope and hopelessness, momentary joy followed by sadness, irritability, anger and other strong emotions can take us over … like a see/saw emotionally up and down we go and experience contraction in the abs, lower back, chest, jaws, shoulders or butterflies in the stomach – from which we want to escape.
To do away with the discomfort of contraction to the amusement of distraction we sway. We give into our impulses and since they are only symptom relief, the source of discontent is untouched. Frustrated, we seek newer and bigger thrills and along the way establish new self-limiting habits and patterns that further drain our inner/outer resources.

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Oct, 11, 2014

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Spacious-Mind. No Matter What You Want To Be Or Do, Let Mind Be An Ally. Know Your Mind-Habits.

It is hard to believe for many of us that in the midst of our busy lives filled with challenges, emails, traffics, conflicting demands and things and more things to do and accomplish, we can access a place of deep peace and quiet that is undisturbed with what goes on around us. Yet this capacity […] Read more

Oct, 11, 2014

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Indecisive-Mind. No Matter What You Want To Be Or Do, Let Mind Be An Ally. Know Your Mind-Habits.

    When caught between two conflicting thoughts check the values behind them. For example when making a career decision, If Tim values ‘progress/success’ and also values ‘job security’ (not wanting to succeed so he won’t fail) the 2 values are in competition and opposition to each other. If not Aware, this inner-dynamic could create […] Read more

Oct, 11, 2014

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Past-Mind. No Matter What You Want To Be or Do, Make Your Mind an Ally. Know Your Mind-Habits. The Inner Knowledge & Outer Success Go Hand in Hand.

When mind habitually/automatically travels to the past and gets caught in the memory of a thousand past events, it often leads to sadness, sorrow and regret and precious energy is lost. One can’t feel regret unless mind is in the past. Observe it for yourself.http:/https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/article/20140825190905-33603808-no-matter-what-you-want-to-be-or-do-make-your-mind-an-ally-know-your-mind-habits?trk=mp-reader-card

Oct, 11, 2014

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Learning from Trees

After a few days of rain, the sun was out, beaming through high-rise buildings and offices. And inside, from behind the window one felt its warmth on the skin. There seemed to be more people on the street that day. However, that warmth could not disguise the arrival of the fall. Already there were fewer […] Read more

Oct, 05, 2014

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Involuntary Inner Dialogue: How we revive conflicts and waste valuable energy

In demanding times and busy lives, people often complain of not having enough energy. The benefits from conventional list of remedies such as exercise, a new diet, nutritional supplements, expensive trips, spas, shopping, etc. are often short lived. Going for a holiday, doing something exciting or discovering a new activity is necessary and revitalizing, however, […] Read more

Oct, 05, 2014

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Perception: How we create our own reality

Perception is the way we understand or interpret the events around us. Furthermore, the way we perceive or interpret an event directly determines our actions and how we deal with it. But if our perceptions are inadequate or faulty to begin with, our course of actions will be flawed and ineffective. Computer’s logic is flawless […] Read more

Oct, 05, 2014

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Assertiveness: When and How to Say ‘no’

Often, in stressful situations at work, when someone makes a request of us we can get into a fight/flight reaction. We either argue (fight), We don’t listen (flight), or we really don’t want to do what they are asking of us, and rather than saying ‘no’ we give in. We sacrifice what is appropriate to […] Read more

Oct, 05, 2014

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